Day 6: Kerpatty Reaches Tokyo

For all, but specifically for our pals Pat Dwyer and Erin Pallesen of the hilarious sketch duo Kerpatty.

Represent.

Day 6: Akihabara

Day 6 continues as we make our way through to Akihabara, Nerd Capital of Tokyo. Six-story video arcades, electronics, trading cards and toys galore and just an ungodly amount of cartoon pornography. Above is the entrance/exit of the Akihabara Metro Station.

The Akihabara district is the main supply station for the otaku culture of Japan. In the English-speaking world, otaku functions as the catch-all phrase attached to those heavily-invested in/obsessed with anime, manga and Japanese video games, similar to Trekkie or that oh-so-delightful term, fanboy. In Japan, it's a reference to any fan of a particular aspect of culture. Anime, manga, games, pop stars, cosplay, electronics, etc. Even the military and martial arts have their acolytes amongst otaku. A more versatile usage, I feel.

The subculture of otaku most specifically served by Akihabara are the Akiba-kei, those primarily concerned with anime, pop idols and video games.

We're not so different, the Nerds of the West and East. We divide into little kingdoms and collect as much ephemera pertaining to those kingdoms as we can. The one thing we can all agree on is our hated of sunlight.

And here's the entrance again. Just to be crystal clear. Note the googley-eyes adorning the entrance. I'm going to write a letter to Mayor Daley saying those should be at the entrance of the Belmont stop. He will probably have me killed.

There was a line of guys from the NFL, MLB and WWE outside this place a split-second before I took this picture. The minute I took out my camera, they ran away. Shame. I really wanted a shot of Kurt Angle and the Giambi Brothers. Brian McNamee and Kirk Radomski were working the counter. Roger Clemens had an unlimited credit line. I could go on all day.

One of the roughly 6 bazillion electronics stores in Akihabara. Guess which person is Carisa.

The one of the main intersections in the district, and the last place for three miles that isn't covered in blinking lights and cartoon pornography.

One of the startling things about Tokyo is that crowds will appear out of nowhere.

Bwah?! Where'd you people come from? It's like a civic magic trick.

The big joke the whole trip was that Japan had rid itself somehow of all it's fat people. They were startlingly skinny. I live in the Midwest, where I am average. In Japan, I was the fattest person wherever we went. I had 30 pounds on the next fattest person. Easily. I looked like Ralph Cramden next to these people.

That was no longer the case in Akihabara. It's not indicated by the picture above, but this is the district where they kept all their fat guys. It's also where they sold the most comics and video games. Coincidence? I think not.

Sure, hey, why not? Someone could probably use that for their house. For what, I don't know, but when I try to speculate, I immediately have to scrub my brain with bleach.

We walked around in several of the arcade towers. The most impressive, inside and out, was Taito Station. I played Street Fighter 4 and Tekken 19 (or whatever number they're on.) Fun times, but unfortunately no pictures allowed inside. The employees were surprisingly vigilant. Still polite though. I'm just used to people in American arcades who get mad at you when you ask for change, sell pot to high school kids next to the Terminator pinball machines and ignore gang fights.

The oddest thing about one of the towers is that they had a women-only floor. As in, under no circumstances were there to be men at all. I didn't find this out until halfway across the floor with Carisa, when out of nowhere one of the attendants yelled the Japanese equivalent of "rooster in the hen house". After apologizing profusely (and again, marvelling at how polite a group of people could be) we left. I wondered why they would have a women-only floor. Then I came face-to-face with the 15th poster of a schoolgirl with breasts the size of a Volkswagen, and it became abundantly clear. They need a place to hide. Stay safe, girls.

Carisa took this picture and I love it. It's the office building directly across the street from Taito Station. It is a scientific fact that Carisa takes infinitely better pictures then I do. She takes steady, awesome pictures. The ones I take always look like I took them with camera attached to a paint shaker.

One more shot of our favorite building.

This way to Electrical Town? Fantastic then.

And a final word from our sponsors as we head back to our hotel.

Day 6...Continued! Next!

Day 6: Roppangi Hills

Day 6.

Welcome to it. Let's hit the road.

And meet this thing. What the hell is this thing? Great question. But first, some answers you didn't ask for.

The plan for Day 6 was pretty ambitious. Mainly, leave the hotel and pinball around Tokyo until we landed in our evening activity, a baseball game at the Tokyo Dome. Awesome. We decided to start in Roppangi to see what it looked like in the daylight, and then drift over to Roppangi Hills, a tiny section of Tokyo that had an incredibly interesting history.

In fact, here it is, from our pals at the Wikipedia.

"Constructed by building tycoon Minoru Mori, the mega-complex incorporates office space, apartments, shops, restaurants, cafés, movie theaters, a museum, a hotel, a major TV studio, an outdoor amphitheater, and a few parks. The centerpiece is the 54-story Mori Tower. Mori's stated vision was to build an integrated development where high-rise inner-urban communities allow people to live, work, play, and shop in proximity to eliminate commuting time. He argued that this would increase leisure time, quality of life, and benefit Japan's national competitiveness. Seventeen years after the design's initial conception, the complex opened to the public on April 23,2003."

Couldn't have put it better myself. That's why it's in quotes.

The term "mega-complex" turned out to be unbelievably apt. In terms of combining all the occupational and social elements into one cohesive property, the structure is pretty stunning. The design of the place struck a cord with me as well. I could have sat and stared at the architecture for the major part of the day. Like I've said before, these people live in the future. Rarely it's frightening, often it's beautiful, and sometimes it's both. Let's have a look.

Taking a break during our walk from the Roppangi station to Mori Tower. Have I mentioned that Tokyo has the best public transit system in the world? It does. Sorry New York. Sorry Chicago. You are my homes and I love you, but Tokyo's transit system has got you coming and going. At least you have something to aspire to now.

Mori Tower. Fairly intimidating from this angle, I feel, even for a hard-bitten urbanite such as myself.

At the ground floor of the building. This Mori fellow may be onto something. I like him. Japan gets a man who wants to improve the city-dwelling experience with advanced urban planning. We get Donald Trump. Point - Japan.

Aaaaaaand then there's this thing.

Hello, handsome.

Carisa and I finally figured out what it was. This was a Mech-Spider, masquerading as a statue. If the Mori Tower was threatened in anyway, the Mech-Spider would come to life and lay cyber-eggs in the threat's brain.

Prove us wrong.

Entrance to the tower.

View from the stairs to the museum.

More stair-shots

Turned out the museum was closed. Boo hiss. After not buying anything in the gift shop, we had ourselves a bit of a walk-about.

Take every shopping mall you've ever been to. Now make it the nicest building you've ever been inside of. That's the shopping "district" of Roppangi Hills. The mind reels.

Gorgeous right? It was a place were you bought sandwiches and a watch. The place is designed so that you never have to leave. I don't know whether I would love living here or be driven completely insane.

Escalator to the Roppangi Hills metro station. The station itself is a giant glass atrium.

See? Told you.

Another angle. Channel 5 is TV Asahi, whose studio is housed in Mori Tower.

Back on the train. Our consistently on-time, incredibly clean train. Frightening and beautiful, folks.

To our next destination. That destination: Adventure!

And by adventure I mean Akihabara.

See you soon.

A Brief Apology

Hey Friends!

My apologies for the yawning chasm between posts. I thought when people said that I never finish anything, that it was a compliment. As Obi-Wan Kenobi would say, I was wrong.

Day 6 pics and talk are forthcoming, with an eye toward finishing this beast in the next few days.

Thanks.

Interlude: Japanese Television is Your New God

Japanese Television is the Greatest Creative Endeavor in the History of Man. It is entertaining and informative. If you speak Japanese. If you don't, it's even better.

This is called "Japanese Television Shows and What They're Called...Probably".

Boring Dance is How I Celebrate w/ Japanese Alan Arkin

Turbo Parking Zamboni

Intensity Button-Face

Tiny Pink Daimyo of the Over-verse

I Now Pronouce You Man and Baby-Man

Day 5, Part 3: NINJA

Hey.

Hey!

We found Ninjas!

And we made them feed us!

See? The title of this blog isn't just a clever name! It was an honest question that was answered by a restaurant. Golly. What CAN'T they do? Do I mean restaurants or ninjas? Exactly. This post is fraught with mystery.

The history of the ninja is shrouded in mystery. Practitioners of ninjutsu, or "the art of stealth", the ninja were purportedly active from the Kamakura period to the Edo period, specializing in the use of sabotage, espionage, illusion and devastating violence in the service of feudal lords and the Shogun.

After the Edo period, the ninja disappeared, folded themselves into Japanese society, only to reappear in the late 20th century to train giant turtles and open up high-end gourmet restaurants that they named after themselves. These are facts. Verifiable facts.

We had Hirai, our favorite concierge at the luxurious Park Hotel, make reservations at Ninja the second we landed in Tokyo and it's a good thing we did. It's pretty popular, and tends to fill up every night it's open. Located in Akasaka next to Tokyo Plaza, you enter the front door and are greeted by a ninja host, then are lead through a secret passage by a ninja waiter, into the secret ninja underground castle and shown to your table. We were then assigned a ninja waitress, pictured with Carisa above. In between all of this was a drawbridge and a waterfall. I'm dead serious.

Our table was in a room with a sliding door that cut us off from the rest of the dining room. Trying to tell us something, Ninja? I won't fight you on it. I don't want to get a shuriken to the face.

Just keep bringing us drinks.

The room was odd. It was small, kind of warm and the light above our head was directly over Carisa's face. It looked like I was taking her out for a romantic interrogation. We moved the table so she could eat without feeling like a federal witness, and immediately our waitress popped in to move it back.

"The table...we have to move....because there is a ninja coming."

Holy shit.

A note on the staff: Everyone at the restaurant seemed very capable...except our waitress. I have a feeling it was her first week on the ninja-job, and maybe she was flustered from decapitating a petulant customer, but she was really nervous. Very sweet and accommodating and helpful, but unbelievably nervous. Fumbled with the menus. Read the specials wrong. Constantly apologized. We found ourselves rooting for her when she was taking our orders and giving food recommendations. She was our ninja-Rudy. If she had sacked someone at the end of the meal, I would have lost my mind. Whoops. I ruined the ending. Well keep reading anyway. There's pictures.

We ordered the five-course prix fixe cause in our brains we're eccentric millionaires, and it started with this. I don't know what it was, but I liked it.

Next was the soup. Ninja's make real good soup. VERIFIABLE FACT.

We got the main course third. Okay.

It was awesome. Kobe beef is what they serve you in Heaven. Kobe beef and super-cold beer. It has to be. I will accept no other answer.

After the steak, a magician showed up. I'm sorry, ninja-magician. The one foretold in the prophecy of the Bumbling Waitress. He was really, really good. Slight of hand and card tricks. He then presented Carisa with a 9 of hearts, allegedly signed by Lady Gaga. Yup. The ninja's work for you, then give you presents. Unreal.

We then wait a while. I mean, a good long while. We don't know why and we can't hail a waitress because we're locked in the room they use to beat confessions out of people. Finally, Bumbling Waitress comes in with what was supposed to be the third course.

Sushi on driftwood.

There are five total pieces of sushi. Three were fish. One was grass. One was toast. I'll let you guess which ones were the best. I'll give you a hint. It's not the grass or the toast.

After this our adorable ninja waitress informed us that she was leaving for the night and that we were being assigned to another ninja. She probably had to assassinate a yakuza boss or something. Anyway, we met our new waitress, who was also very nice...and just as nervous as the last one. Two for two! We waited for awhile. Again. Then we got our dessert.

They give you this to eat it with. A spoon with an edge. A spife. What a country.

It was very very good ice cream with berries, so the spife was a bit overkill. Still real good though.

We then waited. Again. For a long time. A long long time. I'm assuming that the ninjas were defending themselves against some sort of raid or dragon attack, so they couldn't find our check. It happens. We finally paid and were guided by our new, surprisingly tall ninja-waitress back to the street. We were on our way out, when we were shown this.

Isn't that nice? And you thought they were just here to lurk in the dark and hack people to death with katanas.

Keep an open mind, people. That's how you get steak.